The Doom Machine (1/30-2/2): Part II of 'A Royal Mess of Things'

Our young abandoned astronaut is aboard a plush rescue vessel headed towards planet Earth. The crew of this vessel made a big fuss when they found the young astronaut; their mission accomplished they could all go home and continue existing as humans exist. But something about our abandoned and now rescued astronaut was "off." No member of the crew could get through to him for answers to questions, a greeting, or even recognition of his being rescued, so he was restrained and quarantined. It may sound cruel, but this is intergalactic protocol.

On Saturday, February 1st of the year 2014 the young rescued astronaut sits in front of a screen streaming a live feed of the Knicks game. He is three days removed from the moon base he called home for six years. This game is his first glimpse at the changes that had taken place on Earth during his time stranded on the Moon, and what a perfect reintroduction. How human related matters change superficially yet rarely change in essence was showcased in a game of basketball between two teams worlds apart...

While our astronaut watched from beyond the Earth's atmosphere I watched at Madison Square Garden surrounded by all forms of alien characters. 

I cannot stress how much this game, like most regular season Knicks games, fails to explain what exactly the Knicks are. Watching the shape shifting schemes on both sides of the ball is a leading cause of schizophrenia: thus the oddly large amount of Heat "fans" at this game; especially one couple seated near me upon whom I wish only bad things.

Raymond Felton and whatever effort it is he puts into being a professional athlete must be entirely reevaluated. A -12 in +/-  differential does his performance no justice whatsoever; he runs as if his pockets are full of objects found while pregame spelunking and his defense is a heavily sedated version of what defense actually looks like. Why is the point guard one of the most immobile pieces on the court? One play sticks out and has an eternal lifespan haunting dreams and living under beds: during the first half, Felton ran back on to defense instead of attempting to grab a rebound headed his way; that rebound was RSVP'd under his name, he simply needed to think about taking initiative but opted for greener pastures instead.

Raymond Felton.

Felton's polar opposite, a human created in a lab by people attempting to bring about the existence of an anti-Felton, is Tim Hardaway Jr. He shot 50% from the field, hit three of seven from beyond the arc and provided the only spark off the bench. That is the reason why Hardaway Jr. played more minutes than Felton, and why the mere thought of losing him brings the torches and the pitchforks to the gates.

Tyson Chandler's presence seemed more like an injured ego residing in the paint that's not really into this whole "being a Knick" thing. Miami played as if they had a green light to drive right through the crunchy crust and into the tenderly soft center. The 48 points in the paint posted by the Heat are a testament to the wholesale value of lay ups last night. Who needs defense anyway?

There are no answers at this point. The Knicks look like a team that will go on streaks both negative and positive while never reaching a conclusion as to their identity. They play better with less variables in the equation (injured players) and last night's loss was indicative of nothing we did not already know. Currently in the running for an eighth seed and nine games under .500 one can just marvel at the disaster that is the East. But it is amidst this cataclysm that Knicks fans can dream of a possible playoff berth while rooting for an expired product.

Knowledge.

 As far as last night goes there was never a struggle; the game was a smooth hijacking led by The Best Basketball Player Earth Has To Offer. Miami played on neutral for the majority of the game and tightened their defense to stop runs short and sustain a lead throughout. LeBron James summoned Tracy McGrady in the dwindling moments of the game by attempting to reproduce this All-Star game moment:

Unfortunately, James could not pull this off.

...................................................................................................................................
Back aboard the rescue vessel there is a loud calamity. Our astronaut is missing along with an escape pod and a large amount of food. A hand written note is found taped on to the refrigerator door. It reads:
You wouldn't understand. I just want to float aimlessly throughout space. Thanks for everything and don't come looking for me unless the Knicks win a title.


The End

- Alex Moran (@MoonbeanMarcos)