The Doom Machine (3/19): The Absurd

However sullen your existence, it is hopefully devoid of Knicks fandom. If you keep your societal contributions to a minimum there is a chance you caught the live unveiling of Phil Jackson as the new Knicks President of Basketball Operations. As torturous as 9 to 5 employment may be, the added insult of being able to watch most Knicks games after literally fighting your way home during rush hour in the most inhumane city on earth has been a prerequisite to allow yourself the joy of yesterday's event. If you have not watched I suggest you do so solely to witness James Dolan say nine words, all of them magical.

The Doom Machine (3/13): Fortuitous Bounce

With 116 wins combined between the last five opponents and over 60 games played by each team, the Knicks have done very well against the equivalent of your favorite Entemann's snack. The only team above .500 among this collection of victims is Minnesota and they are barely holding on to their decency at 32-31. But last night, Spero Dedes correctly noted that this same brand of draft lottery dream teams had handed the Knicks some head scratching losses earlier in the season. Our Knicks, because you have to claim them when they're bad, have played well below expectation while hitting the low notes with passion.

The Doom Machine (1/30-2/2): Part II of 'A Royal Mess of Things'

Our young abandoned astronaut is aboard a plush rescue vessel headed towards planet Earth. The crew of this vessel made a big fuss when they found the young astronaut; their mission accomplished they could all go home and continue existing as humans exist. But something about our abandoned and now rescued astronaut was "off." No member of the crew could get through to him for answers to questions, a greeting, or even recognition of his being rescued, so he was restrained and quarantined. It may sound cruel, but this is intergalactic protocol.

The Doom Machine (1/28): MELO62 & The Guano War

I recently wrote about the effects of the digital age on history. Yeah, I write a lot using the same platform I constantly question (questioning is not necessarily bashing, by the way). Sometimes I wonder if sharing my writing, or whatever you want to call this, would be possible without the ease of sharing our present age gifts us. Things that come with ease are in a sense controversial because we are raised on a meritocratic system that places a higher value on the ever changing concept of hard work. Improvements can be made on whatever your craft is and most people attempt to make these improvements; complacency is looked down upon by almost every Contributing Member of Society (capped it for that special lot). But sometimes you just do something you have done a hundred times before so well that you MELO62.

The Doom Machine (1/23): The Ship & The Ocean

There was absolutely no way the Knicks would drop a fifth straight game. Especially considering the opposition's headquarters has a large white flag erected until the day of the 2014 draft. What a perfect game for the "win now" Knicks to fatten up the anorexic W column. But what an even better opportunity for them to lose said game and remind us that we are being trolled by an entire franchise.

The Doom Machine (1/19): Frying The Narrative

Everything of little importance is said prior to kickoff in a firesale of promotion via media generated narrative. All businesses go out defeated, but sports, and more specifically their respective leagues, seem to have a constant going out of business sale in progress. This odd behavior is due to the fact that without the narrative you have a bare version of the sporting event attractive only to that small segment of the population that watches with genuine interest.

The Doom Machine (1/14): Suns Saga

It's a Knicks versus Suns regular season game in MSG. A strangely warm January day in New York has already caught me off guard once with a wardrobe malfunction creating a mid-June simulation within my jacket. I am no match for nature, who incidentally has no feminist leanings that would make it proud to be called Mother Nature. Remember, the Knicks are playing the Suns; the plural of the most powerful celestial body in our sky. This is bigger than the Knicks.

The Doom Machine

If you look now they're finally playing well. It's without Tyson Chandler or logic. Because that which thrives on chaos is bound to return to it after dabbling in putting something coherent together. Who needs coherence anyway? (See: JR Smith) And I don't really care much about an adult untying another adult's shoelaces unless the culprit is a millionaire. Money over everything.

Alien Sport

Our capitalist overlords have been very explicit about wanting to plant the seeds of soccer on our doorstep. You may think there is simply no excess space to fit another sport into your daily balanced sports pyramid. There are only so many hours in a day, and at some point we have to get some form of sustenance in our bodies. As usual, your worries are unwarranted.

The American Pastime & Moral Immunity

There are few things as strange as the survival of baseball. With the waning of attention spans it is surprising that a sport as time consuming as baseball continues being popular. There is just too much of a patience requirement to fulfill the task of sitting in front of a television pitch after pitch for nine innings. At least it seems that way. Of course, things changed when men increased their chances of hitting a ball out of a park not through weight training, but by turning to performance enhancing drugs. I sat through a recent Phillies versus Mets game that ended with a score of something like 13-8. My girlfriend's uncle made small talk throughout the high scoring ordeal, and at some point handed me 3D glasses so that I could marvel at the technological wonder in his living room. No one paid attention to the fact that so many runs were being scored. But most importantly, no one seemed to question it.

All Hope Is Lost 2013

Statistics. Who needs them? There's always the possibility that someone's skewing numbers or phrasing questions with the purpose of reaching the conclusion they wanted to reach before even starting their research. The same goes for statistics in sports; there are too many variables no one can account for with math. Statisticians try, and get some things right, but so do General Armchairs and their gang of sports talk sports fans.

Stretches

There is a Peace In The Middle East quip that someone better than myself (at everything) could insert here, but you won't get that because: me. That would only work if our witty writer made a remark about Amare Stoudemire's ties to Israeli basketball and a recent invite to play for Israel's national team. Stranger things have happened, like the fact, turned rumor, turned falsity that JR Smith's contract was a four year 24 million dollar ordeal. It turns out that Smith is signed on for three years and roughly $18 million.

The Unknown Realm of Free Agency

During free agency the question of player values is answered. Many times these answers assure you that there is nothing set in stone in the NBA. Within a couple of days of the start of free agency the waters were muddied with rumors of contract offers and rejections, and rumors in general. There seems to be no telling who will go where and for how much. The free agency market does not resemble other markets where prices can be figured out by tinkering with supply and demand, or does it? Let's look at some recent signings and offers while attempting to solve this mystery and find some consistency.

Good Harvests: How Amare Stoudemire & Carmelo Anthony Can Play Together According to Someone With No Expertise

Most Knicks fans agree with the theory that Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony can't successfully operate together. Amare's injuries have made talk of his inevitable exit a staple of most conversations regarding the Knicks. Trading the man that in the 2010-2011 season averaged 25 points per game seems impossible because of the gargantuan contract that handcuffs him to the Knicks and vice versa. Carmelo Anthony, on the other hand, has missed few games during his time in New York. He has become without a doubt the face of the franchise while cementing his place as an elite scorer. Whatever the Knicks do in the future seemingly revolves around Melo and whatever style of play benefits him most.

Familiar Faces

Marcus Camby was the second overall pick in the 1996 NBA draft. Then Raptors Executive Vice President Isiah Thomas had become part owner of the team two years earlier.

AK47: A Journey

I've never had the distinct pleasure of writing about Andrei Kirilenko. There just has never been a reason to write about him. He seems like a nice guy despite the fact that he's nicknamed after an assault rifle. Andrei "AK47" Kirilenko is one of those professional basketball players that populates a large mid-tier grouping of talent. His domain is located somewhere between guys like Detlef Schrempf and Carl Landry. 'Kiri' is going to give you depth and some equal opportunity employer cred.

Mutating the Atlantic Division Overnight

I felt genuine sympathy for Nerlens Noel last night. His tragic facial expressions did not help the situation or his cause. When the majority of a sports community- fans, experts, and random people that all of a sudden care about the NBA draft- reaches a consensus that you are being drafted either first or second and you go sixth it crowns your shoulders with a chip. David Stern taking his sweet time at the podium helps extend your agony but he won't be around long enough to watch you come full circle with a roundhouse kick called Regret.

Degrees of Separation on the Road Towards Revenge

The New Jersey Nets and the Cleveland Cavaliers had identical records by the end of the 2004-2005 regular season. With 42 wins and 40 losses the Nets and Cavs were tied for 8th place in the Eastern Conference, the tie breaker would go to the Nets as they had a better record against the Cavaliers during regular season play. It would be the second post-LeBron year in a row that Cleveland failed to make the playoffs. Somewhere on the Nets bench sat Alonzo Mourning, not playing much and hoping to get as far away from New Jersey as possible.

Bountiful Days

The 3 point shot is the second most exciting way of scoring in basketball. It's somewhere far behind savage dunks which have been reserved for the more athletic beings among us. That says something. Other than the fact that 3's are worth 3 points it's a shot that less able bodies, sometimes even injured bodies, can hit. Fans, usually excitable males, can relate to the 3 more than jumping a foot off the ground to stuff the ball in the hoop over a memeable, gifable defender. 38 year old Ray Allen is still out there shooting and hitting 3's along with 33 year old and forever ailing Mike Miller. The 3 ball is a car commercial for a vehicle that looks like it should cost 2 years salary but doesn't. As a matter of fact it's affordable and it doesn't guzzle gasoline.

Territories

1990-1991: Michael Jordan, the Chicago Bulls, the first of two three-peats. In that order.