AK47: A Journey

I've never had the distinct pleasure of writing about Andrei Kirilenko. There just has never been a reason to write about him. He seems like a nice guy despite the fact that he's nicknamed after an assault rifle. Andrei "AK47" Kirilenko is one of those professional basketball players that populates a large mid-tier grouping of talent. His domain is located somewhere between guys like Detlef Schrempf and Carl Landry. 'Kiri' is going to give you depth and some equal opportunity employer cred.

He's in the news right right (double) now because he just opted out of his contract with the Timberwolves. Being that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, because he's not going to kill anyone or get arrested for something childish, I had to answer the knock on the door.

But then, I just told you why he's close to surfacing in the sea of relevance, so I have to come up with something else.

Here are some AK47 hair moments!

Coming down with a rebound has never been so exciting. The bristling fella has the cultural awareness of an exploited minority and that is why he is visibly shocked at the fact that so many of his teammates are not black. Being an NBA player and having had like 7 black compadres throughout an 11 year career puts him in a class of his own. (Only one of those numbers is factual) It helps that he's only played for Utah and Minnessotta.

Here's Kiri in his most American Psycho moment. I doubt he's run through a hallway naked and bloody with a chainsaw in his hands, but he looks like he is capable of doing so. Notice the Gumbyish muscle definition (it's non-existent).

Being a late 90's pop star is hard work. You have to avoid the opposite sex because people are just animals and STD's are everywhere. Everyone has all these expectations they want you to meet while simultaneously telling you how much of a God you are amongst men. It's just so tough because you have more money than all the adults around you so what do they really know? Plus, hair gel is in its awkward teenage phase so getting some good product isn't as easy as it seems. You're going to have to source your hair products from the waste baskets of third world clinics and be okay with it. *Sigh*

This is what European people expect Adam (of Adam and Eve fame) to look like. I promise you there are churches somewhere in Latvia with those cool stained glass depictions of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden, but Adam is obviously Andrei Kirilenko in those depictions and Eve is probably Selma Blair. Latvians will be totally bummed when some Anthropologist tells them that Adam definitely looked more like Luol Deng because of the whole Out of Africa theory. Whatever.

Sometimes it's just incredible how aerodynamic some people look. This is what the Wright Brothers expected life to be like in the year 2000. And while Chris Andersen may have exclusive rights to the Birdman nickname no one could chill around a flock of Hawks belonging to the genus Accipiter like the kid Kiri.

It is said that the cleanup crew in charge of soaking up Ivan Drago's sweat after his intense workouts sold a bucket of that sweat to some shady dudes in the black market. Those dudes were rogue geneticists that produced Andrei using Drago's sweat and griffin blood.


Oh, there's also a Bone Thugs n' Harmony song that's very much so dedicated to Kiri's game:

 -Alex Moran