The Doom Machine (1/30-2/2): Part I of 'A Royal Mess of Things'

On the surface of the Moon a young abandoned astronaut is unaware of the grandiosity of LeBron James. Earthly matters are distant dreams that revolve around foods that don't come out of tubes or packets. On Earth there is no escaping King James. You can live under a rock, lack a television and only unfurl your feelers to taste society on random occasions and His presence will still be felt. Against your will, not requiring your permission or approval; that is probably the best way to define the presence and power of aristocracy. But enough of comparing you to a hybrid mollusk-man stranded on the moon, let's get to the point.

It may make no sense, but trust me when I tell you there is no better  warrior to fight both the memory of and the physical demigod in boss, final boss succession than the Knicks. All movies that deal with the overthrow of some tyrannical villain employ the heartfelt gathering of unlikely heroes to fight in the name of the unlikely specimen that is humanity. When the Knicks play the Cleveland Cavaliers on Thursday they face the footprint of LeBron James, which might as well be a crater on Ohio's surface.

While up against the past you can conjure predictions to bolster an area of time that only exists if predictions come true. This is known as 'theory' no matter the nature of the prediction made. If your prediction doesn't pass the test of reality there are many big rocks to hide under; just wait it out there until its safe to come back out and make more predictions.

Hope is a proven plus in intergalactic warfare.

(Editor's note from the future: Carmelo Anthony scored 29 points in 30 minutes of action.)

Rotatory Theorem states that teams with heavier cores have a more difficult time staying in orbit because their weight increases while in rotation. (See: Andrea Bargnani and Andrea Bargnani trade and Andrea Bargnani contract) Teams that tend to opt towards heavy sets find themselves in confusion and suffer from insecurity due to their weight. It follows that once weight is shed these teams perform better, they obtain clarity of mind, they are lighter and therefore more effective, they survive a lot longer, their confidence increases and they simply play better. The Rotatory Theorem also enjoys youth, the passion of youth and youth development.

Before The First Lady there was Tim Hardaway Junior.

The young abandoned astronaut is bored of history and theory. He must return to Earth in order to alter reality and probably start a family. If he knew of LeBron James he would care, but he has been out of Earth's orbit for so long he is only eager to get back. The past is merely a ghost, best to be slain by meddling kids who need the practice and something to put on their résumés. But the king is around the bend, furious with those who have challenged his small hometown, and there is blood to be shed: Oh will there be blood; rivers of it.  
..............................................................................................................................
Young Astronaut: "Man, when am I going to be picked up?"
The Universe: "You ask good questions."
Young Astronaut: "Well I have all this time to think..."
The Universe: "Amusing."
Young Astronaut: "I'm glad I amuse you."
The Universe: "Do I sense sarcasm? Continue."
Young Astronaut: "Whatever. I just hope the Knicks don't win a title before I get back."
The Universe: "Oh don't worry about that."

- Alex Moran (@MoonbeanMarcos)