On the Topic of Friends

Dropping super scientific knowledge on the topic of friends has become something people do on Twitter. There are guidelines written somewhere that will help you figure out who your real friends are and who your not so real friends are. The latter can be demoted to acquaintances or outright "enemies" depending on how badly they miss the mark. Well that just seems like a ton of horse shit.

You should be able to pick your friends according to your own criteria and not the lyrics from a rap song. I've seen the saddest excuses for friendships attempt to flourish simply through the promotion of said fictional friendship. BFF's everywhere end up wanting to burn each others dwellings to the ground over the silliest of things. Look, someone who would orgasm watching you lose your job, significant other, limbs, and overall dignity is not a friend. You can probably consider those people acquaintances. The large majority of people you meet and text throughout your life are acquaintances and you shouldn't take it personally.

Apart from the guideline stated above it's really a free for all. I personally enjoy the fact that I can count the people I consider friends on one hand. This includes my brother, my mother, and my wife. Five minus three is two so that doesn't leave much space.

If you have a ridiculous amount of people you consider friends it is safe to say I'm not your friend. It's also safe to say I don't trust you. There's something about people that are too friendly that makes them seem like a decorative object in a hypersocial state. Imagine walking into a home where a portrait of Jesus had something nice to say to you. I'd be like "Man, you're not upset you were sacrificed for everyone here?" He'd probably be like "I see that you just used some writing magic to demonstrate the similarity between the physical sacrifice of my body and the sacrifice of someone's personality in order for said person to get along with everyone at a hypothetical social gathering." It's scary to encounter someone that likes everyone they meet. Adaptability is great, but you can't truly enjoy every social setting you've been in. This is the reason why I am terrible at networking, I don't come equipped with a fake smile.

If you're the always bored type I've probably forgotten your birthday by now. You have to be boring in order to be bored, I don't see a way around this cliche. I imagine that when someone is bored they lay motionless on the floor gripping their cellphone hoping someone not so boring gives them something to do. There is just no possible explanation for boredom when you consider the amount of entertainment the average person can access from a seated position. Do you not have access to the internet? How are you reading this?

My imagination has a special place for the ever increasing hordes of yes men and women that attach themselves to a living organism and would agree with the sudden change in the color of the sky from blue to yellow. If you can sit in a circle with your "friends" and consistently reach a consensus on every topic discussed you need to find new friends. Someone that won't call you out on bullshit has no problem shooting paintballs at your face while you sleep in an alleyway. They're metaphorically already doing it. Allow your friends to have different views on life than you do, you may just accidentally learn something or start an argument.

Last but not least is macho man. I'm a dude so I've had to interact with other dudes throughout my life. The macho man is a subcategory of the human male that has no time for anything not involving misogyny, homophobia, and competition. That is literally everything they have time for. If you can't sit down and have a conversation with another male adult about something that is not sports, cars, or "pussy related" you are disabled and deserve a monthly stipend (click here to apply). As a minority male living in the U.S. I have encountered more than my fair share of these testosterone vessels. Minority men (mostly African American and Latino) have the misfortune of living in a world that does not cater to us. The white male is the dominant life form on this planet. The rest of us are usually portrayed as poor, ignorant, and morally damned. So how do the majority of us react? We redefine manhood to the point closest to animal behavior. It is because of the macho man that so many of the things needed to be successful in this world become viewed as negatives by young minorities. Getting your face tattooed may wow the homies and the bitches, but not the employers. Your ability to beat someone to a pulp is a serious positive in the streets, but it's not feeding anyone. Employers have a fetish for Ben Affleck look a likes that pose no threat to their employees. Just know that failure becomes inevitable thanks to your mingling with cavemen. So macho men can kick rocks.

- Alex Moran