The Social Vulture

Scrolling through whatever Facebook calls the page you get sent to when you log on I feel a sudden jolt of anxiety. I rarely log on to this social networking outlet these days, and when I do I am reminded of why this is the case.
The embarrassment I feel for those lifeless names who fall under the category of "friends" is something I cannot deal with. Fishing for compliments on the basis of popular culture's understanding of physical beauty is quite the spectacle. (Enter name here) posted a picture of herself at the mall, dressed in a tight summer dress, and posing for a virtual audience she is ready to receive acclaim from. (Note: I have no problem with the dress- wear whatever you like- I just felt like being descriptive). Oh look, 57 likes and 30 comments within minutes. Such speed, such efficiency, and such a quick boost to her self esteem. Mission accomplished.
Gloating over something as chance based as genetic make up has a first cousin called Elitism. Understanding that you are physically desired in our society and exploiting that for self gratification has an abusive uncle called Insecurity.  
I don't remember accepting this person's friend request or having sent one myself. Who is to blame for this mix up? My online persona should not have to rub elbows with an ego of this proportion. The internet is infinite in size, and, therefore, big enough for the both of us to avoid any form of interaction. I am at fault for not grooming the beast which my "friends" list has become. Cultural hypnosis has taught me to let the beast grow as large and hairy as possible; when it comes to "friends" and money a million isn't cool, a billion is (or something like that).
On the other side, where the grass is greener, my Twitter timeline is alerting me of things which actually spark my interest. I have fully domesticated this animal; its purpose is to serve me and, from time to time, I pay it back in kind. It took much trimming (unfollowing people; sorry) and feeding (searching for certain users).
I'll keep it short and sweet by simply suggesting you tame your instinct to hoard virtual friends. There's no need to reach the century mark multiple times in "friends" or "followers," unless high school is currently scarring you, or, has already scarred you. If this is the case, enjoy your revenge.

- Alex